alexmead

to anyone that reads: I haven't even confirmed my e-mail here so I can't comment you back,
But I've switched to a blog that is basically letters to a good friend of mine and we communicate there.

I update tonight because oh god he's been on my mind all day and I think I'm falling in love and I love it but there are very crappy aspects to this situation. I can't even focus on them though, all I can focus on is him, and all I can do is wait until 11pm when he returns from work and


hm.

I wonder what the future holds, you know?

all the gay boys love me. Some wish I had a penis. I find this awkward and flattering simultaneously.

Sometimes I wish I was stoned just so I could enjoy food like a stoner. But being high fucking sucks for me aside from that, most of the time. Alex wants me to smoke with him and I say I will, because, as he said, we are kindred spirits and that must mean something.
Cameron
and Kelsey
are both gone.

I see Cameron Friday, though, and you know who else I see Friday?
MOTHA
FUGGIN
WHY?, NIGGA~~~~~~

yie! yie! yie!

That reminds me, I should blast some, so I can memorize them more. ya ya ya.

school is going well, but right now I am putting off doing a written reflection. Tonight i also need to burn Joey some CDs of fantastic music, like beirut, owen pallett, blonde redhead, devendra banhart, animal collective, et cetera...
And I need to print out a picture of Katie I took at graduation.

And Katie and I were put as Young Eva and Mutti (her Eva, me her Mutti) in auditions a lot tuesday. We both made callbacks, and Katie is a great actress, and it wasn't so much my acting that moved me on, I think, but our dynamic together. We're comfortable with each other so we acted like a scared mother and daughter.

I wonder if I'll get that part? It's a difficult role, it's a difficult play. I have never had a speaking line in a play since joining high school. Hmm~


Do I really want to do the senior slideshow, or would I rather put together a portfolio of my photography works? I think I'm going to do photography portfolio. fadkgasklg

I wonder if Kara and Lindsey have something excited for the concert? I hope so.
I nap a lot.
Lauren Mitchell was in my dream today and she was that punk-rock girl who wanted to be known as the music girl and it pissed me off. In english class. this is vague but maybe when I read it again I can understand what I meant.






I haven't plucked my eyebrows in so long.

well.
I didn't keep my fast up, I wasn't down with it, really....
I'm going to go poop, brb.
Okay. My poop smelled slightly of craisins. I love craisins, SO MUCH. So good, and so much fiber!!! I love to poop and I have a hard time poopin'.
+19 minutes since I took 40mg of adderal xr-- slow release ones, so I don't know how potent it will be. But I'll find out. It's my second time taking adderall, but basically the first time I've /really/ taken it. (first time was 2 days ago, 10mg, didn't notice it)
Jessica is about to call me...
so, brb~~

(15 minutes later)
Jessica hasn't called yet, but uh
I'm feelin' it. In my toes mostly. So it's +37
exciting. I hope I come up with fun ideas for you to fill with tonight.
It's been about 50 minutes or so since it started
and damnit
Jessica still hasn't called.

Uhm. okay. So it's like... 3 + half hours since I took it.
And it really /is/ slow release, because only now is it really striking me. I just wrote kendra a note. Lol, she's adorable. But really young. wowz.
I'm going to organize my materials and do some homework now, haha shit. I am focused! It's sort of like the come-up of mdma. I like this. I'm going to go to school afterglowing like whoa.

But first. very sensory. I am thirsty, water tastes nice. I am chewing nommy gum. The fan is making nice noises. messing with my hair near my scalp is fun. uhm. I wonder if I have dialated eyes? I should check. I feel my tendons stretch as I do things. Neat!


SO. Here's what's up. Pills were digested at 9:42pm, and now it's 3:17am. Mentally, I am more aware, more focused, more awake, a few degrees happier. Physically, I am more sensual. Earlier I felt my brain tingle a bit, it was amazing feeling. It's not extreme physical sensations either, just subtle waves of enjoyable feelings.

I am staying up all night for sure. I'll drink lots of coffee in the morning. I've done my homework and wish I knew where my history book is, so I could study... urgh... :/ I hope I didn't lose it.

Anyway... I keep drinking lots of water, I'm constantly parched. I've peed like 3x, lots of pee each time. I'm feeling clear headed. Not that chatty, as I would have hoped, but maybe just cause I don't have anyone here to actually interact with.. IDK.


It's 4:42. So exactly 7 hours ago i took it. Uhm.. I just did some extra credit for english. I need to pee again. Ok, I'm going to send this before my mom wakes up.

I feel lonely and down right now, but at the same time, I'm not sad about my feelings right now. I'm embracing them kinda.
I'm looking at The Cobra Snake's photos, and I think I saw black, gay justin in one of them from San Francisco. Crazy! I want to be in there someday. Within the year, maybe? Maybe not. Haha.
But I noticed I've gained a few pounds and I'm not too happy about it. I like my body but when I gain weight, I'm SO not down.
I think I'm going to go for a fast starting midnight, which is 14 minutes from now. 13.

Senior pictures taken tomorrow.

I saw Kara and Lindsey today. Around 3:30, till 4:20. I was sad to leave them. But linny had to work. It's life. Her with two jobs means I don't really get to see her.
Then she'll be going back to Davis. And I'll see her about once a month. Sigh.

I'm glad I've become close to Kara these days.
I want to blog daily.
I am spending less and less time online
except to check myspace and watch movies.
straw man. Your identity will be revealed tomorrow night. I hope I can sneak out and find you.
I wonder who it is?

I wish I had more clothes. Man. I'm unhappy with my wardrobe, though it's very large. What a spoiled bitch I am. (:

Cowboys and Indians party friday night. I hope I can go. Some might drop e. I might, too. I doubt it, but I'm buying a pill just for the hellov it.
I'll have to dodge Brandon there. And if I do roll, then I'm not going to let him know. no way jose. Well, maybe I will. I don't think I could lie on that drug. Well, I could, but I wouldn't want to.

I talked to Alex on the phone for an hour today. And I miss him, I miss him so much. I love him so much. He's the guy closest to my heart, somehow.

I'm sleepy. I have some homework to do, though. aghjkgajk.


Justin?

Today I noticed the growing moth holes in my friendship with Kelsey, and it made me sad. When I got back from europe she needed me.
And today when we she dropped me off, I felt more like I was in the way and slightly annoying. I've seen her... what? 4 times this summer? It's sad. But at the same time it's maybe a good thing, since she's leaving for longbeach in a week and I won't see her often at all once she's gone. Not with the cost of travel these days.
Still.
And I get so jealous about Lexie and Kelsey's friendship. I was the bridge to them but I never really felt close to Lexie as a friend, and sometimes at lunch I'd express this to Kelsey, and Kelsey agreed with me, saying that she enjoys Lexie's company, but that she feels that she could never become actually close to her. But now she has successed my friendship with Kelsey. It kind of hurts, and I feel stupid about my jealousy.

Back when I created this journal, I needed her. And she needed me. And it was when we were first all bondy.

I don't remember the last entry I posted here, but school seems like it'll be good this year. It's a little sucky how in theatre, most of the time I'm not with the class. I want to get close to them all and be the cool senior. I'm gh3y.

Saskia would feel so bad for me if she knew who I was writing my article in the paper with.
Barf.



So I hung out with Ashley on Friday, because thursday she seemed really cool. But she seems shallow and not too intelligent now that I've been around her more. She's nice in concept, but I just don't see enough depth.
Regardless, we took some neat pictures.

back from europe.
Man, was that a whirlwind.
Yet, I don't feel like talking about it.

In Manteca.
Cassie just called me.
She wants to hang out. I'm not sure if I do or not, but I am more down to hang out with her than I was to hang out with my father. Ugh, that was uncomfortable.
And for some reason I can just never say no to hanging out. Unless it's a creep and I don't know them at all. But most of the time I do.

Summer is halfway over. And I am happy about that.
Happy there is still time! But it's hot and I will be glad for it to end.
I like my wardrobe a lot lately. Lotttss of skirts and dresses. Lots of compliments. Goodwill.
My hair is growing.
It's also soft and shiny from a mayo and vinegar rinse.

Theatre, I am so excited to be involved with it. And be a cool senior!
I told Kristen and Jer that I can monitor them smoking on the day they do their paperwork for school. I'll roll a thin joint and they can share it at doxey park or something.
Hair spray, perfume, lotion, sunglasses, gum.
sit in shade a while sprawled out and let them talk about it.
it's 4:20 right now, lol.

It shouldn't be too bad to babysit them. Just stressful while they smoke it. But people don't really care.
My period is really late. It was supposed to start like 2 weeks ago. I am always paranoid that I'll start it randomly.

It's been such a long time and really I don't care.
I figure I should record things though, I'll just freewrite and as it goes on I'll post some pictures.


School is out. I've made some good new friends, but not from the area.
Johana, Eddie, Tim. They're a tripod. I feel closest to Johana and Eddie right now, not Tim as much. But whatever. I won't post any of their secrets here because should any of them read it they will find out tooo much. But I love them all, and I think it's interesting because I  think that they all think I'm cool. And I mean, I am cool I guess, but so are they. You know? Well, I'm talking to myself, so yes, I know. Haha.

A week ago I went to open mic night and shit was crazy. I will post some of this conversation between emily fink and I to describe it as I don't feel like typing it all out again:

Today Lisa tried to kill herself. 14 vicodin plus wine.


Over the last month I relapsed with my ED, and also gained a shitload after stopping it. Binging for a week.

I'm talking to lees right now, and I feel like I hate life right now. I do, I do.
I'm crying some. and today I went to the movie theatres to see harold and kumar escape from guantanimo bay, and it was hilarious, but also I dressed in a dress and spandex and tights and I felt fine wearing it around the house, but the looks people gave me and the comments my friends told me made me feel like a slut, and I'm not a slut.
I fully understand what Lindsey was saying that day when she talked about how manteca is so judgemental on what people wear.

I can't fit into ant of my pants. I'm going to starve myself again. I'm going to only have water and tea and gum
and

I wish it was next friday. I will be thinner then, and I will meet Johana and Eddie, hopefully.
Mike, Johana and Eddie are at prom right now.

I drank last night with Chelsea Pine. And watched one missed call with her lani and chelsea cheer and it was such a terrible movie.

and I feel so... blank right now.
I can't deal with shit right now.
I just want to sleep. forever
forever
forever
NO
not forever
but
I don't want to be awake right now. and I want to awake and  things get better.

It hurts that I can't be there for Lisa right now.
What if she really died and
what would I do?
What the hell would I do?

Suicide is so selfish.
It's also selfish for the mourners. Because they have the right to take their life and we're upset and sad
but


it's hard to breathe sometimes.

It's spring break.
I wish I had more to tell you, but...

I don't.
Did I go to SV? Yes, I did. It was lovely and I didn't want to come back to the valley.
Stuff I did there: Saturn Cafe, West Cliff, Skins, chats with Erika, Kathleen and Keith are amazing, shopping-- yellow halter woo!, travis+justin, harry potter dubbed.
I felt so welcomed in the Frost home. I feel like I'm a part of the family.
I also met Kelsey's dad and friends of that side of her family. rewatched across the universe.

I went to Open Mike Night @ QB. Unfortunately Micol was sick and couldn't headline it. Sigh. It wasn't that fun.
Travis and Lindsey have broken up and that is bizarre...
But now that they had each other and they couldn't make it work, maybe they can move on without having to feel like they need to get back. I mean, I love them together, but if they aren't successful together than they DO need to move on. Still, they were my favorite couple and it breaks my heart.
vSide/vLes are what I've been doing.
I learned to sew today and the pants I made are inside out on one leg hahahah it's lovely though.
Yesterday I bought the material and looked for grannie eyeglasses and got close, but no cigar at costco. I don't want opaque frames.

I brought my grades up okay, and i plan on keeping them up.
I've become more studious. cray-cray!
gotta finish research paper before break is over.
Lindsey was supposed to hang out and chat with me today. But. .. She didn't get ahold of me.

I want to play video games. idoidoidoidoidoidoidoidoidoido.

I approve of Matt Mcartney. Or however you spell his name. Mckartney? Lol I dee kay.

Jer+Kristen+I went thrifting on thursday and they're lovely kidz. + I got really sweet shoes. Purple heeled boots, and blue pumps with a black tip. and tights. and 2 jackets.
I'm supposed to spend the night @ Kristens on friday. cooool. Really though, that's exciting.

I'm just so bored, so bored, so bored.
I just want it to be summer, then senior year. once it hits summer I'll be happy happy happy. And also in Europe!??!!?!??! :DDDDDD!!!!!
wooo!

but till then. bored.
sober.
yeah.
cough.

Also, isn't it interesting how i make differences in people's lives? I think so. I'm like... God. Or something.
We're all Gods though.
I'd like to think of myself as a muse, woo.